Big MacManiac’s 71st Home Run
Characters
Charles Mansion—A small man with tangled long hair, a beard, and a dirty face. He has bloody hands and a streak of blood smeared across his left cheek. He wears a St. Louis Cardinals’ coat with a torn sleeve and dirty Cardinals cap.
Crazy Hoss—A large man who wears cowboy boots, a vest, a holster with two six shooters strapped on it, and a five-gallon hat.
Emily Delicateson—A small, timid woman, she wears a white dress, a white hat, and white shoes.
Setting
(The setting is in the left field seats at a baseball game. There are six rows of seats, with five chairs set up in every row. Ballpark organ music is heard in the background. As the play opens, all the seats are empty. On the backrest of each chair, a row letter and seat number is clearly written in black marker.)
(Charles Mansion enters carrying a long faded green Army military duffle bag. He sits down in the middle seat in the second row, unzips his bag, and pulls out a laptop computer. He sets it on his lap, takes the newspaper’s sports section out of his bag, and reads quietly. After fifteen seconds, he sets the paper down and begins typing. The organ music fades.)
CHARLES Let me check these calculations again. This morning for breakfast, Big MacManiac ate two live squirrels, a quart of Florida gator blood, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. At game time, the wind will be blowing out to left field at fourteen miles per hour, but it will drop to ten miles per hour by the fourth inning (He types furiously.). Steve Trachsel is pitching for the Cubs. He has a ninety plus fastball in the early innings, dropping off to eighty-eight miles per hour by the fourth inning. Factor in--‘The faster they come in, the faster they go out.’ Factor in MacManiac’s bat speed, a high dose of adrenaline, and one factor of ‘Youneverknow.’ Hit return. (He leans back in his seat and smiles.)
(Emily Delicateson walks in carrying a notebook and a pen. She eyes a ticket in her hand, looks at the chairs, and sits in the front row, in seat A7, the seat directly in front of Charles.)
VOICE 1 (From offstage) Beer. Ice cold beer! Beer. Ice cold beer!
EMILY (She raises her eyebrows, taps her index finger on her chin, thinking, as the voice yells. She begins writing in her notebook.)
I taste a liquor never brewed - (Poem 207)
From Tankards scooped in Pearl -
Not all the Frankfort Berries
Yield such an Alcohol!
CRAZY HOSS (Crazy Hoss enters. He carries a saddlebag over his right shoulder.) Evening ma’am. (He glances from his ticket to the seats, back to his ticket again. He looks Emily over carefully as he sets the saddlebag down in the seat next to her. Crazy Hoss plops down in seat A9.) You look like the only person in the stadium not hoping to catch Big MacManiac’s 71st home run. (He takes off his hat and swoops it through the air.) I brought my biggest hat. With this big boy, I have high hopes of shagging it.
EMILY (She closes her eyes for a second, opens them. and writes in her notebook.)
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - (Poem 314)
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
CHARLES (He sits up abruptly, staring at his computer.) This can’t be. (He types furiously.) It could be…(He types furiously.) It might be…(He types furiously.) It is! Before I bought the tickets, I forget to consider one factor of ‘Youneverknow.’ (He puts the laptop on the chair next to him. He looks at his seat number, and then walks through the row he is sitting in and the row behind him. He checks every letter and number on the chairs carefully. He screams out in anguish. Emily and Crazy Hoss turn around and look at him. His face is twisted in agony.)
EMILY (She stands up and watches Charles closely as his face shows great distress. She sits down and writes in her notebook.)
I like a look of Agony, (Poem 339)
Because I know it’s true -
Men do not sham Convulsion,
Nor simulate, a Throe -
The Eyes glaze once - and that is Death -
Impossible to feign
The Beads upon the Forehead
By homely Anguish strung.
CRAZY HOSS Are you upset because your friends didn’t show? I hate to intrude, but it’s impossible not to notice that every seat in the stadium is taken except for the ones around you.
CHARLES I bought tickets for all these seats to increase my chances of catching Big MacManiac’s 71st home run ball. Once I have it, I’ll be rich and famous, instead of poor and notorious.
OLD HOSS Me, too. Famous that is. I want everyone to know my name. I’m a middle child. Adam’s the responsible one, so Pa listens to what he says, and my youngest brother, Little Joe, well, he gets all the attention, and me, I’m just Crazy Hoss. With all due respect, I’m going to catch Big MacManiac’s 71st homer, and then everyone will know my name.
EMILY (She begins to write furiously in her notebook.)
I’m Nobody! Who are you? (Poem 260)
Are you – Nobody - too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Dont tell! They’d advertise - you know!
How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one’s name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!
CHARLES Well, good luck on catching the ball. I know Big MacManiac will kill one—excuse the expression—tonight. I’m Charles Mansion. (He extends his hand to Crazy Hoss.)
CRAZY HOSS Crazy Hoss. (He stands up and shakes Mansion’s hand vigorously.) I appreciate a good sport. Pleased to meet you, Charles. (Charles peers around Crazy Hoss in order to get a good look at his seat number.)
CHARLES And your name, Ma’am? (He extends his hand.)
(Emily stands up, not making eye contact with Mansion. She writes in her notebook as Charles looks at her seat number. Emily holds the notebook up, so Charles can see what she’s written.)
CHARLES (Reading from the notebook.) Emily Delicateson. (Looking up at her.) Nice to meet you, Emily.
CRAZY HOSS She’s writing something so important that she doesn’t care about Big MacManiac and his record-breaking home run.
EMILY (Emily writes in her notebook.)
This is my letter to the World (Poem 519)
That never wrote to Me -
CHARLES What a fine crew we have here tonight. You two are like my family back at the Spahn Ranch. How about if I buy refreshments? I’ll buy if Crazy Hoss flies. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to get them and return before Big MacManiac comes up to bat.
CRAZY HOSS Just to warn you, Crazy Hoss has a big appetite.
CHARLES Buy as much as you want. Filler up!
CRAZY HOSS I’ll need some help then. (Emily blushes shyly as Crazy Hoss holds out his right arm and helps her stand up. Crazy Hoss and Emily exit.)
CHARLES If Big Mac Maniac hits his home run in the fifth inning or later, then I’m set. It’ll reach my seats. (He smiles, reaches into his bag, pulls out a bloodied baseball glove, and moves to different seats he has reserved and practices making imaginary catches.) But factoring in ‘Youneverknow,’ then if he connects in one of the first four innings, it’s going to land in seat A7 (He points at Emily’s seat.), or seat A9 (He points at Crazy Hoss’s seat. He frowns and paces back and forth down the aisle. He reaches into his duffel and takes out two pieces of cardboard, a paintbrush, and a little can of blue paint. He writes in blue, “WET PAINT” on each piece of cardboard and props one sign up in Emily’s seat and the other sign up in Crazy Hoss’s. He stands behind their seats and leans over and catches an imaginary ball with his glove. He jumps up and down and holds the imaginary ball up above his head. He starts to put the paint back in his bag, but then he pauses.) That won’t do. I’ve got to be sure. (He turns the sign over, pulls a jar out of his bag, grabs a different brush, and dips it into the jar.) Good thing I bludgeoned Squeaky before I came here. (He writes on the backside of the sign: BEWARE! FRESH HUMAN BLOOD! He sets the signs on Emily’s seat so his new message is visible. Satisfied, he paints the back of the second sign with the same message and places it on Crazy Hoss’s seat. He quickly puts his materials back in the bag, makes one more imaginary catch of a 71st home run while leaning over Emily and Crazy Hoss’s seat, and then sits down in the seat directly behind Crazy Hoss’s.) I’m going to be rich. (He reaches under his trench coat and pulls out the book, Warren Buffet Speaks.) Warren Buffet Speaks. Speak to me, Warren, one millionaire to a soon to be millionaire. How should I invest the million I get for selling Big MacManiac’s 71st dinger. Interesting, Warren has a little sign on his wall that reads ‘A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.’ (He leans and over and punches a few keys on his laptop.) I’d better check my e-mail. No messages yet. Oh well, I’m not officially rich yet. (He picks up the Buffet book again.) ‘You don’t need to be a rocket scientist. Investing is not a game where the guy with the 160 IQ beats the guy with a 130.’ (He nods his head, smiles, sets the book down in the chair behind Emily’s and holds up a ticket.) Twenty-dollar ticket. (He makes an imaginary catch and holds the glove above his head as if he is displaying the ball.) Million dollar ball.
CRAZY HOSS (Crazy Hoss and Emily enter. Emily goes right to her seat, while Crazy Hoss stands in Charles’s aisle. Emily has a pop stain and some sprinkles of blood on her dress. She still holds her notebook and pen. Hoss is splattered with blood. It drips off his right hand.) Thanks for the offer of refreshments, little buddy, but I’ll tell you what, things are crazy out there. Everyone is trying to get their fill before Big MacManiac bats. As we waited in line, I accidentally bumped into a guy who had just bought his food and drinks. He got pissed, so he threw his pop at me, but it splashed on poor Emily instead of me. (Emily leans over, picks up the Buffet book and looks at it for a moment. She eyes the sign in her seat, remains standing, closes her eyes.) So I punched him in the nose, and as you can see, he was a bleeder. At least most of the blood missed Emily and her pretty white dress. (Hoss grimaces and holds his stomach as he walks to his seat.) The whole thing just ruined my appetite…I (Crazy Hoss stops when he sees the blood and the sign on his seat.) Wow, I guess that little incident was a lucky break. Emily and I are already bloody, and it’s human blood. (He tosses the signs on the ground and sits down.)
EMILY (She opens her eyes, sets the book down on the seat behind her, sits down, and begins to write furiously in her notebook.)
There is no Frigate like a Book (Poem 1286)
To take us Lands away
Nor any Coursers like a Page
Of prancing Poetry -
This Traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of Toll -
How frugal is the Chariot
That bears the Human Soul -
CHARLES (He reaches into his duffel bag and pulls out a snake. The sound of a rattlesnake is heard as Charles reaches over and drops it on Crazy Hoss’s boot.) That’s ball four. That means BigMacManiac will probably bat this…(Emily screams when she sees the snake.)
CRAZY HOSS Rattler! I’ve dealt with a few of your kind on the Ponderosa. (Crazy Hoss stomps his boots on the snake. Miss Emily watches with her hand on her chest. She is hyperventilating.) There, there Missy Emily. That snake ain’t going to ever move again, any more than that guy who spilled the pop on you will. Although the way you screamed, I thought he was back with another cupful.
EMILY (She leans back in her seat, still gasping for air, but breathing is becoming easier for her now. She fans herself with her notebook—stops suddenly—calm now, and looks down at the dead snake for a moment, and then writes in her notebook.)
A narrow Fellow in the Grass (Poem 1096)
Occasionally rides -
You may have met him? Did you not
His notice instant is -
(Emily stops writing. They all applaud as the batter flies out.)
CHARLES All right, now if Lankford doesn’t hit into a double play, Big MacManiac will be coming up.
EMILY (She stops clapping, crouches down for a close look at the dead snake, and writes in her notebook again.)
But never met this Fellow (Poem 1096)
Attended or alone
Without a tighter Breathing
And Zero at the Bone.
CRAZY HOSS Smash that ball, Big MacManiac! (He takes off his five gallon hat.) I’m ready.
(Charles Mansion pulls a bat out of his bag and lifts it up high above his head. Just as Charles is about to hit Crazy Hoss, he turns around, grabs the bat with one hand, and jerks it out of Charles’s hands.) No, little buddy, you’ve got Big MacManiac’s batting stance all wrong. He doesn’t hold the bat that high. He keeps his hands close to his body, like this. (Crazy Hoss puts his hat back on his head, crouches a bit, holds the bat with his hands close to his body, imitating the batting stance of Big MacManiac.) See. Watch when he bats. You’ll see! I’m a dead ringer for Big MacManiac.
CHARLES (Charles pulls his hair in frustration.) All in vain! All my efforts, my dreams, my fame! In vain, first because of Bugliosi, and now because of this lumbering dumb ox!
EMILY (Her eyes wide, she writes in her notebook, saying the words out loud.)
If I can stop one Heart from breaking (Poem 982)
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one Life the Aching,
Or cool one Pain
Or help one fainting Robin
Unto his Nest again
I shall not live in vain.
CRAZY HOSS Emily, you say some of the sweetest things. (Behind Crazy Hoss, Charles takes an axe out of his bag and struggles to lift it up above his head.) Why, if it wasn’t for the fact that every time a Cartwright falls in love, some terrible thing happens to the sweet damsel, I’d fall in love with you. But because of the Cartwright Curse, I must let you fly free, like a bird over the Ponderosa. (Emily smiles shyly and fans herself with her notebook.)
CHARLES (He finally gets the axe up above his head.) Die you big son of a bitch! (As he gets ready to swing, the weight of the axe causes him to fall over backwards.) Ohhhhhhhhhh! (He groans and moans in pain as he lies in the aisle.)
CRAZY HOSS Hey, little buddy, what happened? Are you okay? Ol’ Crazy Hoss will help you up. (He leans overs and pulls Charles up. Charles is bleeding profusely from his leg where he cut himself with the axe.) Big MacManiac is making his way to the plate. Man that guy is huge! Have you ever seen a guy that big? (Camera’s flash as Big MacManiac steps up to the plate. The crowd is heard cheering loudly.)
CHARLES (He looks at Crazy Hoss with an incredulous look of disbelief. He reaches into his bag, pulls out a tomahawk, and jumps on Crazy Hoss.) Die you big son of a bitch! That baseball is going to be mine! (The crowd noise is still heard as Emily stands up and puts her notebook under her arm. She claps softly for Big MacManiac, with tiny claps, clapping more with her fingers than the palms of her hands. She turns and watches Crazy Hoss and Charles wrestle in the aisle. Crazy Hoss takes out one of his pistols and fires it. The two men continue to struggle on the floor.)
VOICE 2 (A fan is heard yelling from offstage.) Come on Big MacManiac. Relax. Stay calm, just meet the ball.
EMILY (She ponders pensively what she just heard, and then looks at Charles and Crazy Hoss fighting. Her eyes get wide and her mouth opens in a moment of revelation. She sits down and writes in her notebook.)
To fight aloud, is very brave - (Poem 138)
But gallanter, I know
Who charge within the bosom
The cavalry of Wo -
CRAZY HOSS (Still wrestling on the ground with Charles.) I can’t die. I can only get wounded, and then Pa, Adam and Little Joe will come looking for me, and when they find me, you’ll get shot and killed.
CHARLES Die you big son of a bitch. (He makes one last gallant effort with his tomahawk. Gunfire is heard, and then the loud CRACK of the bat as Big MacManiac connects. The crowd roars. A baseball lands between Crazy Hoss and Charles.)
CRAZY HOSS Big MacManiac’s 71st home run. It’s mine. No more living at home with Pa, Adam and Little Joe. I’ll sell the ball, build my own house, have my own spread: The Crazy Hosserosa!
CHARLES Let go of my ball. (The sounds of the men struggling and gunfire are heard again. Both men fall back, wounded severely. Blood is everywhere. Both men are near death. The now bloody 71st home run ball is between them.)
EMILY (She claps softly, with her tiny finger claps. After a moment, she turns to leave. She pauses, listens to the agonized sounds of Crazy Hoss and Charles Mansion. She sees the baseball, bends over, picks it up. The cheering of the crowd in reaction to Big MacManiac’s homerun can still be heard in the background. Suddenly, Emily’s eyes get wide and she sits down in the same aisle where Charles and Crazy Hoss have fallen. She places the ball on the seat next to her and opens up her notebook. She takes one last look at Crazy Hoss and Charles and begins writing, but her pen is out of ink. She shakes it up and down, and tries writing again, but it still does not work. She sticks her finger into her mouth and wets the end of the pen, but when she presses it to the notebook, it still does not write. She shakes the pen some more, and then eyes the ball on the seat next to her. She dips the pen into the blood on the ball, smiles, nods her head in satisfaction, and begins to write.)
Success is counted sweetest (Poem 112)
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.
Not one of all the purple Host
Who took the Flag today
(After this line she holds up the ball, smiles, and then continues writing.)
Can tell the definition
So clear of Victory
As he defeated – dying -
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Burst agonized and clear!
(Emily picks up the ball and exits with it, her pen, and her notebook. For a moment after she leaves, Crazy Hoss and Charles can be heard gasping for breath and moaning, and then all becomes quiet. A moment later, the stage goes dark.)
THE END
Emily Dickinson wrote all the poems used in the play. Dickinson poems are used by permission of the publishers and the Trustees of Amherst College from The Poems of Emily Dickinson: Reading Edition, Ralph W. Franklin, ed., Cambridge, Mass.: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press. Copyright 1998, 1999 by The President and Fellows of Harvard College. All rights reserved.